I get truly sick to my stomach thinking about life. It hit me today. I'm in the pajama section at the new Walmart by Karen's house and I'm standing there...while Melanie and Karen are shopping..and I get an aching feeling in my stomach. It's one of those feelings that slowly creep up on you on other not-so-important days but you manage to push those feelings back and think about other things...but I couldn't do that today. It's like it all hit me at once. The thing is...my heart is broken. I think I have figured out every way imaginable to repress this fact....but it's there..and I think it's time for me to just face it. I have been done wrong...very wrong...by the person I loved the most. And I think about it all the time...which makes me sick. I just feel like I've been thrown away...and that I didn't matter otherwise...I'm so disposable..and it hurts. The crazy part is that I try to make excuses....even now...I'm so pathetic. But when you have that lump in your throat that you're continuously trying to swallow...it's a reminder of how much pain I'm going through..and of how much I will go through until something unexplainable happens. I don't know what it will be or who will make it happen...but I'm just ready for it to be done with. Unfortunately, I have a heart and I have a conscience..and I have a beautiful son that reminds me of him more and more each day. Maybe there will be a day where I just snap out of this nightmare and life will make me happy again...we'll see.
For In That Sleep Of Death What Dreams May Come
3 months ago
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As one of your best friends I feel like I should have some sort of wisdom for you but alas I don't. I sat down today and watched this movie called "The Holiday" with Jude Law and there is this scene in the movie with Kate Winslet and she is talking to Jack Black after he finds out that his girl was cheating on him and I felt like Kate Winslet. (If you haven't seen the movie, I highly recommend it as it made a lasting impression on me.) But she basically said this to him:
"I know it is hard to believe people when they say that they know what you are going through but I really do know what you are going through. I understand feeling as small and insignificant as humanly possible. And how it can actually ache in places that you didn't know you had inside you. And it doesn't matter how many new haircuts you get or gyms you join or how many glasses of wine you drink with your girlfriends, you still go to bed every night going over every detail and wonder what you did wrong or how you misunderstood and how in the hell you could think for that brief moment that you were that happy. And after all that you will go someplace new and find people that make you feel worthwhile again and little pieces of your soul will finally come back. And all that fuzzy stuff, the years of your life that you wasted, they will eventually begin to fade."
I know it doesn't seem true but it is. The pain of feeling discarded will eventually begin to fade as you begin to heal. I know how you feel as I am there. I still ache. My heart hurts and there are days where I just want to say screw it and run away to a secret place where no one can find me. Even in my darkest moments I have had trouble finding the lighter side of things. But let me reassure you that you are getting the best end of this deal. As your heart mends and you start finding the pieces of you that you lost, you will start seeing all of the positives that Erik once had and will encourage those in Gavin. You are a wonderful mother, a beautiful daughter, a caring friend and the most incredible person I know. My heart aches for you as my heart aches for me and I would do anything to shield you from this pain. I love you. I love you as my best friend. I love you as my sister. And I love you for the heart that you share with me.
My biggest hugs to you!
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