Sometimes...

I get truly sick to my stomach thinking about life. It hit me today. I'm in the pajama section at the new Walmart by Karen's house and I'm standing there...while Melanie and Karen are shopping..and I get an aching feeling in my stomach. It's one of those feelings that slowly creep up on you on other not-so-important days but you manage to push those feelings back and think about other things...but I couldn't do that today. It's like it all hit me at once. The thing is...my heart is broken. I think I have figured out every way imaginable to repress this fact....but it's there..and I think it's time for me to just face it. I have been done wrong...very wrong...by the person I loved the most. And I think about it all the time...which makes me sick. I just feel like I've been thrown away...and that I didn't matter otherwise...I'm so disposable..and it hurts. The crazy part is that I try to make excuses....even now...I'm so pathetic. But when you have that lump in your throat that you're continuously trying to swallow...it's a reminder of how much pain I'm going through..and of how much I will go through until something unexplainable happens. I don't know what it will be or who will make it happen...but I'm just ready for it to be done with. Unfortunately, I have a heart and I have a conscience..and I have a beautiful son that reminds me of him more and more each day. Maybe there will be a day where I just snap out of this nightmare and life will make me happy again...we'll see.