Sometimes

it's just hard to know that you feel something for somebody that might not feel it back for you. Is this what a crush truly is? Do you ever think it would be better if we all could just have arranged marriages and skip all of this mumbo jumbo? But then I hear that these feelings are the best when you meet someone...that they remind you that you're still alive. They have truly reminded me that I'm alive but man...talk about a spin cycle of hope, pain, sadness, and happiness going on in my stomach. But it's all good...I'm finding that it's been a lot easier to just go with the flow...and not allow myself to get my hopes up. In fact, I'm pretty guarded and am almost prepared for anything. I know that doesn't sound good..but those who know me understand what I've been through...I would have to be an idiot not to be somewhat guarded. Anyways, just had to get all of this off my chest. I hope everyone is doing well!

Am I right side up or upside down?

Not having air conditioning totally sucks ass. It's not the whole house..but it happens to be my room, Gavin's room, basically the front side of the house. So I have been sleeping in the den on the couch and my back hurts so bad right now that I'm absolutely MISERABLE. So basically this is a bitching blog...I'm bitchy..lol. Excluding Theresa coming over yesterday..this weekend has pretty much sucked. My mom and dad have been fighting ALL weekend...Karen has pissed Melanie off, and let me mention again that I'm freaking HOT and can barely walk. Things are just kisses and roses over here. Ok, enough of that...go about your day..lol. Thank you.

There is hope!

Ok! So if some of you don't know...I wasn't able to go to the Dave Matthews concert this month. I know right? It's completely unheard of and I have been in a depression since they've been here. The reason why I couldn't go is because I have absolutely NO money. Since Erik has lost his job there has been no child support coming in at all...and I can't find a patient tech job to save my life. Anyways, the very last date on their tour is on October 2nd in Tulsa, OK. And guess who's going? That's right! Come hell or high water I will make it to see him this year...I mean come on...they have a new album coming out next month..that means it's a new album tour..and new album tours are AWESOME. So I'm happy. Have to figure out how I'll be able to afford tickets..but I DO have three months. EeeeK! So happy now.

Working it out

Ok, so I'm dating this guy and get this...he wants me to rock climb with him! Rock climb..yes, rock climb! You guys knOW me! I'm a big fine woman who really isn't all that active. But this guy is so cute and so adorable and it's so hard for me to tell him no. So anyways, I started working out Monday. I've been walking two miles a day and I'm feeling really good. Am I anywhere near in shape to go rock climbing?? Ummmm..NO...lol. I've even told this guy that I'm just not in good enough shape..but he's so sweet and he tells me that I can start out at the beginners level and how he would support me and all that good stuff. So anyways, I think I'm going to try it. Not this week and probably not next week. I want to give myself a month. I think after a month of walking and hopefully weight training...maybe I'll be ready? Anyways, it does excite me though...I love getting out and trying new things. So we'll see what happens.

3rd Level Baby!!

So I made it through my final today!! I'm so happy that I passed and that I can actually enjoy people's company again...man I miss that! I'm ready for the Summer with Gavin and I'm ready to date this guy that I think is SO adorable. Wow, I am just truly blessed to have made it this far!

HAPPY MOTHER'S DAY!

I hope all you moms have a great day today! Mine has been perfect so far!!!

I miss my friends.

Yep, I do miss my friends. Dina, Teresa, Manda, April and Jenny to name a few. Have we grown apart? I know that so much is going on with everyone's life. Mine too, man..school has been sucking the life blood out of me. But still, I think about you guys all the time and hope that we'll all find ourselves in the same place at the same time soon. Summer is coming up and that means a lot of catch up is going to be done. I hope everyone can understand that it is school that is taking so much of me. I have two more lecture tests and then I'm done with the semester. I want to see everyone!! I hope everyone is doing good..especially Teresa's new little girl. I can't wait to see her! Anyways...those are my thoughts for the day..needed to vent before I get on with my studying. Love love love!

SO HAPPY

So I had my midterm evaluation today and it went great. I'm currently holding an A in clinical and skills! And I just found out that I made an A on my Major care plan which is 50% of my grade! I worked my ass off on it so I'm thrilled. Just wanted to share the news!! Yay!

???

Am I really allowing my past to change the person that I use to be? What happened to that person that used to jump in head first always? I've always seen the good in everything. I've always been on the optimistic side of life. Has that changed? Here lately, I've actually found myself jaded. I feel like I'm losing that person that everyone loves..over what? Over stupid stupid stuff. Over a damn wall that used to never be up. Honestly, what am I so afraid of? Everything that was bad happened, and now it's over. I'm just glad that I have such faith in God to believe that I'm exactly where I need to be right now.

For Dina..

Ok, so I promised Dina that I would start posting on here what I post on myspace considering she doesn't have a myspace account anymore (LoSeR). So here it is girlie..

I wish

I wish I was where I needed to be right now. First off, I'm tired of being scared to speak my mind on this place. There was a time where I could just let it out and not have to wonder if I was giving the wrong impression to the people who currently sit on my site as "friends". Given, most of them are friends..but most of them have not a clue about what's going on with me. I hate that feeling...you know how that person on T.V. feels when they bleep out a cuss word or something..I bet it pisses them off..I bet they have the same feeling as I do right now. So I say fuck it. Writing my thoughts has always been therapeutic for me..so why do I care now who reads this? I only care about the people who care about me..so all you others...move on, thanks. I'm currently tired of people who say they are your friend, but act completely one-sided. Yeah, as a matter of fact..I do care how you're doing..I do love your stories..I do hope that you're doing good...but for God's sake..do you honestly just like hearing yourself speak? Imagine having an hour long conversation with someone and you haven't said a word...it's freakin' eery. You get off the phone and you think.."how in the hell does that happen?" Well, I say screw that noise. I'm here sick, and pissy...and depressed. Yeah, I'm in a funk. A true friend would actually have the common courtesy to say "hey, I'm sorry you're sick..what's going on?..need to talk about anything?" Ughhh. I'm just tired of myself allowing it to ALWAYS be about you. And for those who know me, you're probably wondering to yourself how I've even let this happen...trust me, I have no clue. But I'm sick and tired of not having a voice. Speaking of not having a voice. Let me get onto the subject of dating. What in the hell are you guys thinking..seriously? Will there please, for the love of God..be one man that is actually interested in something other than what's going on with them? I'm back to the same statement as before...why does it always have to be about you? So I'm tired..yeah, tired of disappointment. I'm officially cutting off dating indefinitely. I just can't do it anymore. I took a two month break over the holidays for this exact reason. I'm tired of this "yeah, i'm looking for a long-term relationship" blah blah blah bullshit. Do you guys honestly think that us girls are looking for a man just do have sex with?? Seriously, it's not hard to find one of those guys. Why do you think we put such an effort to into actually finding someone? Because we need to get some?? I mean COME ON NOW. Where has the love gone? I mean the actual process of falling in love...can someone please tell me where it has gone? Because there has yet to be man that I have met that hasn't been interested in getting into my pants after a night of knowing them. I just want something more. I crave something more. But on my end...would you continue to sit there as someone bangs you upside the head with a hammer..or are you going to move on?? Exactly. I'm done. I'm DONE.

Gavin's surgery.

Just wanted to let everyone know that Gavin will be having surgery on his tongue on Thursday. He's tongue tied and his ENT is finally ready to do the procedure. He's going to be put under (which scares me)..but I know everything will be ok. Please just say a little prayer for him and keep him in your thoughts. Love to everyone.

Sometimes...

I get truly sick to my stomach thinking about life. It hit me today. I'm in the pajama section at the new Walmart by Karen's house and I'm standing there...while Melanie and Karen are shopping..and I get an aching feeling in my stomach. It's one of those feelings that slowly creep up on you on other not-so-important days but you manage to push those feelings back and think about other things...but I couldn't do that today. It's like it all hit me at once. The thing is...my heart is broken. I think I have figured out every way imaginable to repress this fact....but it's there..and I think it's time for me to just face it. I have been done wrong...very wrong...by the person I loved the most. And I think about it all the time...which makes me sick. I just feel like I've been thrown away...and that I didn't matter otherwise...I'm so disposable..and it hurts. The crazy part is that I try to make excuses....even now...I'm so pathetic. But when you have that lump in your throat that you're continuously trying to swallow...it's a reminder of how much pain I'm going through..and of how much I will go through until something unexplainable happens. I don't know what it will be or who will make it happen...but I'm just ready for it to be done with. Unfortunately, I have a heart and I have a conscience..and I have a beautiful son that reminds me of him more and more each day. Maybe there will be a day where I just snap out of this nightmare and life will make me happy again...we'll see.

I WANT TO MOVE!!

You know it's getting bad when wherever you go or whatever you do....makes you sick. I mean, I'm getting to that point that I need to start looking for a place to settle down. I have two years 'til I finish school and then I basically have a free range over whatever I want to do. For some crazy reason, Colorado has been in my mind. It's not across the world from Texas..but at the same time..it's far enough. Maybe this is just a phase..I dunno. Maybe I'll fall in love with some amazing guy and want to settle down here...who knows. I'm just not feelin' Dallas anymore. And plus, there's a definite perk....Dina's there!!!!!!!

Sometimes..

It just sucks not having those certain kind of butterflies.

Hallelelujah!!!

*Sings* Last day of class, last day of class, I'm so happy that it's my last day of class!!

Yes people, I had my last final in Micro today and I think I may have actually made an A in the class. So look out Summer, here I come. I told Karen today that it's going to be like instead of Girl's Gone Wild that it's going to be Stacy Gone Wild....well, without flashing my boobs and humping imaginary beings..(well maybe that a little bit lmao). So it looks like I've got a lot of stuff planned. Deidra's shower, Gavin's b-day, trip to the beach. I'm going to be busy...but I don't care! I have the whole Summer with Gavin! (Stay tuned for the email in which it states that I'm tired of kids..LMAO!)

tests, tests, and MORE TESTS.

I'm so sick of tests. People who are in school right now..am I going crazy..or is class involved around freakin' tests? I mean, it would be nice to learn and discuss..but it seems like every class is preparing for a test..ugH. I can understand focusing on a test the week before..but it's every freakin' day. I'm just tired of how EVERYTHING is about tests. I have a lab test tomorrow. Then I have two tests on the 7th. You guys don't even know how happy I'm going to be when school is over!! I'll have the Summer free..with Gavin..it's going to be so great!!!

Is there such a thing as the Spring-time blues?

I've been really down here lately. Normally I get this during the Winter..but it's here now..and I'm tired of it. The biggest contributing factor is Erik. *Sigh* Gavin just misses him so much and I don't even know if Erik understands that or not. I do my best not to mention the word "daddy" around Gavin...but it's always Gavin that brings him up. I know he's happy when he talks about him...but it kills me inside. It almost reminds me of that pain that you feel when your extremely homesick...that's what I think Gavin is feeling now. I just wish I knew what was going on it Erik's head. I've known him for seven years so I know he has a heart...I know he does. But something is just not right about this entire thing. But anyways, I'll continue to analyze it to death like normal. Life would just be so much easier if Erik saw Gavin on a regular basis. It would be an answer to my prayers and it would make me the happiest person imaginable.

A lot of things going on.

Sheesh! I've got a lot to do! First is to finish school!!! Well this semester anyways. I have one lab test and one lecture test left in Micro. I have one test and one paper due for Dev. Psychology. Then I'm done! Woo hoo! I also have a baby shower to plan for. It's for Deidra...some of you may have met her at Gavin's last b-day party and our last Halloween party. She's having a little boy, so I'm going to be throwing her a baby shower on the 17th. I also have Gavin's birthday to plan for. I'm thinking about keeping it simple because I really want to save my money up to take him to the beach. Maybe I'll just have it being a pool party again...not sure. I did plan to have it in Karen's backyard and rent a petting zoo...but that's just too expensive..it sucks. But anyways, invites will go out soon. Dina, when are you coming down? Did you say June? I remember you saying that you would be down but I totally forgot the month. So after ALL of that, I get to go to my orientation at El Centro. Ugh, got to get fitted for their WHITE uniforms. And let me just tell you, white isn't a big girl's favorite color...ugh. I'm officially on another diet...lol.

So I have a lot going on. When is it going to be the time for relaxation???...

It ACTUALLY happened!!!

Yes people. It actually happened. I'm now an official nursing student!! I recieved my acceptance letter into the El Centro's nursing degree program just now and I'm just beaming. I have worked sooooooo hard and I'm finally seeing the results!!! I'm just too excited for words, I just wish I could climb up on my roof and yell it loud to everyone "I'M GOING TO BE A NURSE, BITCHES!!!" lmao...lmao....eeeeeeeeeK!!!!!!!!!

I'm BACK!

So I've decided that I'm going to start blogging back on here again. It's just so hard to blog about personal things on myspace without it getting to people that I hardly know. I'm sure you guys know what I'm talking about. And plus, I miss this place. I still check everyone's blog and I'm needing to get back into the mix of things. So anyways, this is what's going on now. I'm sick to my stomach about it. BUT, either today or tomorrow is when I'll know whether or not I'll get into nursing school. They sent out the letters yesterday and since this place is super close to me..I'm assuming that I'll get it today. So these thoughts have been racing in and out of my head about the what-ifs. I mean, what if I don't get accepted? I guess it wont be the end of the world..but it's a major set-back that I dread having to go through. I keep telling myself that if I don't get accepted that there has to be a reason...a really good reason. I'm just keeping my faith in God that he's leading me down the path that I'm meant to go down. So everyone just say a little prayer, and I'll update you guys once I find out.

Also, I'm dealing with the stresses of Erik right now. Talk about someone I don't even know anymore...man...it's crazy. On the 25th of this month it will be FOUR months since he's seen Gavin. I'm still trying to wrap my head around it. I do have to say that I'm doing better than I thought I would. I guess that just shows how strong I truly am. I'm finding myself enjoying life again and I'm noticing that I'm actually able to look at my son without having to see his father. I'm able to enjoy Gavin...I haven't been able to say that in a long time. It may sound weird...but I went through an emotional shock that kept me from experiening any good emotions..they were all bad..for a really long time. But things are looking up. I've actually lost fourty pounds now and I'm well on my way to being my pre-pregnancy weight. I've got a new haircut which I absolutely adore and I'm feeling really confident with myself. I'm actually finding myself having a crush...and it's super fun. So things are a lot better.....and I think I'm pretty much happy right now. Can you tell I'm smiling when I say that?..lol. However, I terribly miss my friends. I miss everyone together. I realize that Teresa's birthday is coming up and she hasn't even told me if she has anything planned. I miss the birthday dinners with everyone...and now almost everyone is gone *sniff*. I'm so serious, but we're going to need to like start having reunions or something because this is ridiculous.

So I guess that's about it right now. I'm about to get ready to go to school. I have until the first week of May 'til school is over and I'm SO READY. I have been going to school non-stop since last Spring. That's all through Summer and everything so I'm in desperate need of a vacation!! I'm going to enjoy this Summer like crazy. I CANNOT wait.

Well, I hope everyone is doing good. I miss you guys!!