SO HAPPY

So I had my midterm evaluation today and it went great. I'm currently holding an A in clinical and skills! And I just found out that I made an A on my Major care plan which is 50% of my grade! I worked my ass off on it so I'm thrilled. Just wanted to share the news!! Yay!

???

Am I really allowing my past to change the person that I use to be? What happened to that person that used to jump in head first always? I've always seen the good in everything. I've always been on the optimistic side of life. Has that changed? Here lately, I've actually found myself jaded. I feel like I'm losing that person that everyone loves..over what? Over stupid stupid stuff. Over a damn wall that used to never be up. Honestly, what am I so afraid of? Everything that was bad happened, and now it's over. I'm just glad that I have such faith in God to believe that I'm exactly where I need to be right now.

For Dina..

Ok, so I promised Dina that I would start posting on here what I post on myspace considering she doesn't have a myspace account anymore (LoSeR). So here it is girlie..

I wish

I wish I was where I needed to be right now. First off, I'm tired of being scared to speak my mind on this place. There was a time where I could just let it out and not have to wonder if I was giving the wrong impression to the people who currently sit on my site as "friends". Given, most of them are friends..but most of them have not a clue about what's going on with me. I hate that feeling...you know how that person on T.V. feels when they bleep out a cuss word or something..I bet it pisses them off..I bet they have the same feeling as I do right now. So I say fuck it. Writing my thoughts has always been therapeutic for me..so why do I care now who reads this? I only care about the people who care about me..so all you others...move on, thanks. I'm currently tired of people who say they are your friend, but act completely one-sided. Yeah, as a matter of fact..I do care how you're doing..I do love your stories..I do hope that you're doing good...but for God's sake..do you honestly just like hearing yourself speak? Imagine having an hour long conversation with someone and you haven't said a word...it's freakin' eery. You get off the phone and you think.."how in the hell does that happen?" Well, I say screw that noise. I'm here sick, and pissy...and depressed. Yeah, I'm in a funk. A true friend would actually have the common courtesy to say "hey, I'm sorry you're sick..what's going on?..need to talk about anything?" Ughhh. I'm just tired of myself allowing it to ALWAYS be about you. And for those who know me, you're probably wondering to yourself how I've even let this happen...trust me, I have no clue. But I'm sick and tired of not having a voice. Speaking of not having a voice. Let me get onto the subject of dating. What in the hell are you guys thinking..seriously? Will there please, for the love of God..be one man that is actually interested in something other than what's going on with them? I'm back to the same statement as before...why does it always have to be about you? So I'm tired..yeah, tired of disappointment. I'm officially cutting off dating indefinitely. I just can't do it anymore. I took a two month break over the holidays for this exact reason. I'm tired of this "yeah, i'm looking for a long-term relationship" blah blah blah bullshit. Do you guys honestly think that us girls are looking for a man just do have sex with?? Seriously, it's not hard to find one of those guys. Why do you think we put such an effort to into actually finding someone? Because we need to get some?? I mean COME ON NOW. Where has the love gone? I mean the actual process of falling in love...can someone please tell me where it has gone? Because there has yet to be man that I have met that hasn't been interested in getting into my pants after a night of knowing them. I just want something more. I crave something more. But on my end...would you continue to sit there as someone bangs you upside the head with a hammer..or are you going to move on?? Exactly. I'm done. I'm DONE.

Gavin's surgery.

Just wanted to let everyone know that Gavin will be having surgery on his tongue on Thursday. He's tongue tied and his ENT is finally ready to do the procedure. He's going to be put under (which scares me)..but I know everything will be ok. Please just say a little prayer for him and keep him in your thoughts. Love to everyone.

Sometimes...

I get truly sick to my stomach thinking about life. It hit me today. I'm in the pajama section at the new Walmart by Karen's house and I'm standing there...while Melanie and Karen are shopping..and I get an aching feeling in my stomach. It's one of those feelings that slowly creep up on you on other not-so-important days but you manage to push those feelings back and think about other things...but I couldn't do that today. It's like it all hit me at once. The thing is...my heart is broken. I think I have figured out every way imaginable to repress this fact....but it's there..and I think it's time for me to just face it. I have been done wrong...very wrong...by the person I loved the most. And I think about it all the time...which makes me sick. I just feel like I've been thrown away...and that I didn't matter otherwise...I'm so disposable..and it hurts. The crazy part is that I try to make excuses....even now...I'm so pathetic. But when you have that lump in your throat that you're continuously trying to swallow...it's a reminder of how much pain I'm going through..and of how much I will go through until something unexplainable happens. I don't know what it will be or who will make it happen...but I'm just ready for it to be done with. Unfortunately, I have a heart and I have a conscience..and I have a beautiful son that reminds me of him more and more each day. Maybe there will be a day where I just snap out of this nightmare and life will make me happy again...we'll see.

I WANT TO MOVE!!

You know it's getting bad when wherever you go or whatever you do....makes you sick. I mean, I'm getting to that point that I need to start looking for a place to settle down. I have two years 'til I finish school and then I basically have a free range over whatever I want to do. For some crazy reason, Colorado has been in my mind. It's not across the world from Texas..but at the same time..it's far enough. Maybe this is just a phase..I dunno. Maybe I'll fall in love with some amazing guy and want to settle down here...who knows. I'm just not feelin' Dallas anymore. And plus, there's a definite perk....Dina's there!!!!!!!

Sometimes..

It just sucks not having those certain kind of butterflies.

Hallelelujah!!!

*Sings* Last day of class, last day of class, I'm so happy that it's my last day of class!!

Yes people, I had my last final in Micro today and I think I may have actually made an A in the class. So look out Summer, here I come. I told Karen today that it's going to be like instead of Girl's Gone Wild that it's going to be Stacy Gone Wild....well, without flashing my boobs and humping imaginary beings..(well maybe that a little bit lmao). So it looks like I've got a lot of stuff planned. Deidra's shower, Gavin's b-day, trip to the beach. I'm going to be busy...but I don't care! I have the whole Summer with Gavin! (Stay tuned for the email in which it states that I'm tired of kids..LMAO!)

tests, tests, and MORE TESTS.

I'm so sick of tests. People who are in school right now..am I going crazy..or is class involved around freakin' tests? I mean, it would be nice to learn and discuss..but it seems like every class is preparing for a test..ugH. I can understand focusing on a test the week before..but it's every freakin' day. I'm just tired of how EVERYTHING is about tests. I have a lab test tomorrow. Then I have two tests on the 7th. You guys don't even know how happy I'm going to be when school is over!! I'll have the Summer free..with Gavin..it's going to be so great!!!

Is there such a thing as the Spring-time blues?

I've been really down here lately. Normally I get this during the Winter..but it's here now..and I'm tired of it. The biggest contributing factor is Erik. *Sigh* Gavin just misses him so much and I don't even know if Erik understands that or not. I do my best not to mention the word "daddy" around Gavin...but it's always Gavin that brings him up. I know he's happy when he talks about him...but it kills me inside. It almost reminds me of that pain that you feel when your extremely homesick...that's what I think Gavin is feeling now. I just wish I knew what was going on it Erik's head. I've known him for seven years so I know he has a heart...I know he does. But something is just not right about this entire thing. But anyways, I'll continue to analyze it to death like normal. Life would just be so much easier if Erik saw Gavin on a regular basis. It would be an answer to my prayers and it would make me the happiest person imaginable.

A lot of things going on.

Sheesh! I've got a lot to do! First is to finish school!!! Well this semester anyways. I have one lab test and one lecture test left in Micro. I have one test and one paper due for Dev. Psychology. Then I'm done! Woo hoo! I also have a baby shower to plan for. It's for Deidra...some of you may have met her at Gavin's last b-day party and our last Halloween party. She's having a little boy, so I'm going to be throwing her a baby shower on the 17th. I also have Gavin's birthday to plan for. I'm thinking about keeping it simple because I really want to save my money up to take him to the beach. Maybe I'll just have it being a pool party again...not sure. I did plan to have it in Karen's backyard and rent a petting zoo...but that's just too expensive..it sucks. But anyways, invites will go out soon. Dina, when are you coming down? Did you say June? I remember you saying that you would be down but I totally forgot the month. So after ALL of that, I get to go to my orientation at El Centro. Ugh, got to get fitted for their WHITE uniforms. And let me just tell you, white isn't a big girl's favorite color...ugh. I'm officially on another diet...lol.

So I have a lot going on. When is it going to be the time for relaxation???...

It ACTUALLY happened!!!

Yes people. It actually happened. I'm now an official nursing student!! I recieved my acceptance letter into the El Centro's nursing degree program just now and I'm just beaming. I have worked sooooooo hard and I'm finally seeing the results!!! I'm just too excited for words, I just wish I could climb up on my roof and yell it loud to everyone "I'M GOING TO BE A NURSE, BITCHES!!!" lmao...lmao....eeeeeeeeeK!!!!!!!!!

I'm BACK!

So I've decided that I'm going to start blogging back on here again. It's just so hard to blog about personal things on myspace without it getting to people that I hardly know. I'm sure you guys know what I'm talking about. And plus, I miss this place. I still check everyone's blog and I'm needing to get back into the mix of things. So anyways, this is what's going on now. I'm sick to my stomach about it. BUT, either today or tomorrow is when I'll know whether or not I'll get into nursing school. They sent out the letters yesterday and since this place is super close to me..I'm assuming that I'll get it today. So these thoughts have been racing in and out of my head about the what-ifs. I mean, what if I don't get accepted? I guess it wont be the end of the world..but it's a major set-back that I dread having to go through. I keep telling myself that if I don't get accepted that there has to be a reason...a really good reason. I'm just keeping my faith in God that he's leading me down the path that I'm meant to go down. So everyone just say a little prayer, and I'll update you guys once I find out.

Also, I'm dealing with the stresses of Erik right now. Talk about someone I don't even know anymore...man...it's crazy. On the 25th of this month it will be FOUR months since he's seen Gavin. I'm still trying to wrap my head around it. I do have to say that I'm doing better than I thought I would. I guess that just shows how strong I truly am. I'm finding myself enjoying life again and I'm noticing that I'm actually able to look at my son without having to see his father. I'm able to enjoy Gavin...I haven't been able to say that in a long time. It may sound weird...but I went through an emotional shock that kept me from experiening any good emotions..they were all bad..for a really long time. But things are looking up. I've actually lost fourty pounds now and I'm well on my way to being my pre-pregnancy weight. I've got a new haircut which I absolutely adore and I'm feeling really confident with myself. I'm actually finding myself having a crush...and it's super fun. So things are a lot better.....and I think I'm pretty much happy right now. Can you tell I'm smiling when I say that?..lol. However, I terribly miss my friends. I miss everyone together. I realize that Teresa's birthday is coming up and she hasn't even told me if she has anything planned. I miss the birthday dinners with everyone...and now almost everyone is gone *sniff*. I'm so serious, but we're going to need to like start having reunions or something because this is ridiculous.

So I guess that's about it right now. I'm about to get ready to go to school. I have until the first week of May 'til school is over and I'm SO READY. I have been going to school non-stop since last Spring. That's all through Summer and everything so I'm in desperate need of a vacation!! I'm going to enjoy this Summer like crazy. I CANNOT wait.

Well, I hope everyone is doing good. I miss you guys!!

I'm just ready for it to be over!

I'm tired of school. I know it's the same song and dance for me..but it seems that this is a never ending road. You can't even imagine how defeated I feel knowing that the hardest part is still ahead of me..*sigh*. I just need to vent about this. Don't get me wrong this Anatomy II class could be A LOT worse. I mean, the teacher is nice and fun and she gives us reviews! I'm pratically in heaven! But I'm just tired. I should have taken the whole Summer off but decided that taking Anatomy II in one month is MUCH better than taking it in 3 and a half months. So, I'll get over this. The second week is almost over and that means I'll just have three more weeks.

I've also started TOPS last week. That's new news. If you don't know what TOPS is..it's kind of like weight watchers but costs WAY less and you don't by a point system. Well anyways, it's my mom, me, Melanie, and Karen going so i hope we can keep up with it. I'll update you guys on any weight loss.

So anyways, Have a good week!

Can someone please explain all of this rain?!

I just don't get it. How can it be the end of June and we're still getting TONS of rain. Is it global warming? Someone please explain. I'm tired of looking at my pool and not being able to get into it. This truly sucks.

Updating you all.

Ok, I've had questions from some of you about how Gavin and daycare is doing so here's the scoop. Gavin has been going to daycare since last Monday. He still cries every morning and proceeds to tell everyone he sees in the morning that he is not going. I swear it is breaking my heart. It's funny though, when I go to pick him up he's in a really good mood and his teacher says that he's starting to warm up a little. The first day was the hardest though. Yep, tears were shed from him and me too! But I think this is a good thing for him. He needs to get out and interact with kids his own age instead of being here with Kenzie cooped up in the house. When I get the chance I'll post pics of his first morning in front of his daycare.

In other news, if some of you haven't heard..I dropped my nursing class. I went for two days and it was just awful. Let me explain. I was told when I registered for this one month class that it would be 14 people only. So i was thinking great..a small class...I'll be able to ask questions and everything will be great. BUT on my first day they informed us that they were putting three classes together. A total of 45 people and THREE professors. I was like...what the hell? So I decided to stick it out for a couple of days. But it was impossible. Everyone kept fighting for the equipment that we're supposed to learn on...and frankly...it was a pain in my ass. So tomorrow I am registering for the same class for the fall. It starts at the end of October oddly enough, but I'll still get to apply for the program for next fall not next spring. Anyways, I'm enrolled in Anatomy II for Summer II so things are still going as planned...but with just a minor change.

So now I'm here at home with no kids and bored as all get out. I did go to the dollar movie yesterday to see Norbit and it was a lot of fun. I haven't gotten to do that in forever. And the movie was really funny. So anways, better get back to doing nothing. I just want to thank everyone for making Gavin's birthday so special. He is enjoying all of his new toys and looking so cute in his new clothes!! We missed you Dina and Manda!!

Love everyone!

I DID IT PEOPLE.....I DID IT!!!!

I can PROUDLY say that I made an A in my Algebra class!!!!!!! WOO HOOOOO! You guys don't even know how freakin' excited I am about this. I have literally worked my ass off. And plus my occasional bitching and moaning gave you quite a hint on how I really truly view Algebra..pain in my ass! But God bless my professor...GOD BLESS HIM!

Also, I made A's in my Compisition class and my Psychology class. So what does that mean? Anybody? Anybody? That means, that when I get an A in the nursing basic skills class that I am taking in Summer I. I will officially be applying to El Centro's nursing program with a 4.0 GPA. Ahhhhhh...how great life is.

In other news, Gavin is starting his first daycare on Monday. I enrolled him today and I feel really good about it. Completely out of my mind with nerves, anxiety, and sadness. But I know that once he gets used to it, he's going to love it. The reason I'm having to do this is because of that nursing class. It starts on Monday and it's a 4 hour morning class. I told my dad about it about a month ago and he was like "I'll watch Gavin, but I can't watch Kenzie." Everybody knows that girl is a holy terror...lol. So I talk to Erik and we decided that this would be best. This will be a great summer...I can just feel it.

I'll make sure to take pictures of his first morning and post them up here. I keep trying to tell him that he's going to start school on Monday but he's in denial...lol...it's so cute. Keep your fingers crossed for him.

So I'm off to bed, I'll give you all the details after Monday. Love everyone!

Yes..I'm still alive.

Ok, so some of you may think that I have jumped off the face of the earth. Nope, still here...still kickin'. So many things have been going on here I don't even know where to start. Many birthdays have been celebrated many tests have been taken...many hearts I've been breakin'. Ok, not really...since I was rhyming..why not go with it right?

So school is going good. I'm currently making A's in both my classes but they are low A's and if I don't do good on my finals then I can basically just kiss those A's away.

I start Maymester on the 14th for Pscychology. I've already taken this class and made a B. But sinnnnnnnnce the nursing field is in such high demand, it's almost necessary that I apply in August with a 4.0 gpa. Talk about pressure!! I swear, if I get into this program I will probably kiss everyone I meet, and know for that matter. Pucker up babyyy!! Ow!

So it's late, I'm a bit loopy. Can you tell?

Ok, so invitations for Gavin's b-day are going out tomorrow. I actually had some quiet time today to address and stamp them. It's going to be a GREAT party. I'm actually thinking about trying to rent a margarita machine. I know, child's birthday..drinking? Hmmmm...I see it this way...us adults need to drink to deal with that many children! Ha ha! We'll see about the machine...otherwise it's BYOB.

Well, I better head to bed. Love all of you guys and miss you too!

Sad

Today I'm sad. Here are the reasons why.

1. I'm sad because families are crying in Virginia tonite.

2. I'm sad because I found out that the day that I'm going to be maid of honor to my friend Deidra's wedding is on the exact same night that the Dave Matthews Band will be performing at Smirnoff. When have I missed a concert? I can't even remember.

3. I'm sad because I didn't say Happy Birthday to one of my best friends yesterday.

4. I'm sad because I feel that my life is nothing but studying and school stress.

5. I'm sad because we finally took Gavin's wubba (pacifier) away and now all of a sudden he's not momma's baby anymore.

6. I'm sad because I haven't exercised in over a week. 10 days to be exact. I can't find the motivation.

7. I'm sad that I'm having to write this ridiculous list that is somehow making me feel better.

8. I'm sad that I feel that I'm losing track of my friends.

9. I'm sad that I'm going to be going to school ALL summer.

10. I'm sad because my STUPID English professor has yet to send me my graded assignments, even after I've sent her two emails and left a lengthy message on her machine. I mean, what the hell is the problem?

11. I'm sad because Dina feels defeated. I really feel like I'm right there with you.

12. I'm sad because I feel like I just can't pick myself up right now. When will everything just calm down?


Hope this didn't depress you.

Our trip at the Zoo!

Erik, Gavin and I went to the Dallas Zoo last Sunday and had a blast! This was Gavin's first trip to the zoo so it was definitely memorable. Here's some pics for your enjoyment!